Monday, 9 January 2017

The post I wrote when the prognosis was bad

It's been four months since the surgery and the scar looks great. There is no more leaking and my ear has even started tingling and so I might get feeling back after all. There is a dip but because it's behind the ear it's not really noticeable. I am feeling great and very blessed.

We are telling our story over and over. I am frequently asked about it. I shared the story at my company staff meeting, it will be published in the local press, John is sharing it as part of his new role with the startup CancerAid. We feel that it's important to share it and it's a great way to remind us of what is important.

So here is the post I had written after we received the new of my diagnosis. We are still thrilled and very grateful that the tumour was benign and will never forget the experience, but I also think it's good to remember how we were feeling and what we were planning to do with limited years - after all a long life is never guaranteed.....

When someone tells you that you have 7 to 12 years to live it's actually quite hard to believe and takes some time to sink in. I'm actually not sure it has entirely.

The things that run through your mind are endless. You think about your husband, your girls, their futures and how you will cope not being there for them and sharing in their lives. You think about things you want to make sure you do with them and for them. You think about death and wonder how you will feel when you get to the other side if you're not ready and not really willing to go. You think about how you are going to get on with all the day to day things when you know it doesn't really matter but still has to be done. You wonder how you are going to send your child to school if she doesn't want to go (hopefully she will) and how you will manage to discipline when all you want to do is hold them and give them everything they want......

It's endless.

And regardless of how you feel and what you think (or are trying not to think) you have to be prepared and you have to do everything you can for them while you can.

These are things that are now on my to do list:
 - Write letters and make videos for each of the girls' birthdays
 - Write letters and make videos for significant events in the girls lives: school exams, boyfriends, learning to drive, missions if they choose to serve, university, job interviews, engagements, weddings, births of their own babies, navigating motherhood.
 - Write letters and make videos for John
 - Write letters for my parents and brother and sisters and closest friends
 - Make sure my journal is up to date
 - Make sure the baby books, family photo books etc are all finished or up to date
 - Plan annual family photos
 - Plan holidays and fun things to do together
 - Write a will
 - Talk with John about his future.

Just thinking about this is making me cry......the thought of missing important events in their lives and even the day to day small stuff and not being there for my girls is painful. To be honest I try not to think about it but I am going to have to and I am going to make sure I do all of the things listed above. If you have any other ideas I'd love to hear them.

And that was the post, at least what I had written before our miracle. I prayed and prayed that I would get to live until my girls are grown and now I get to! I cannot tell you exactly how that feels. I cannot tell you the joy I feel that I get to experience all the big and little things with them, and with John. And now I pray with thanks every day.

And now my task is to remember. Remember to do all the things on that list in some form. Remember to never take life for granted. Remember that growing old is a gift. Remember to live as though I will not live forever. And remember what is most important!

Thank you for sharing our journey with us.

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